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I think people need to find the language to talk, at home and in schools, about good and bad intimacy. A family member who abuses is always a family member, and how does the family cope with that?” “There’s a lot of focus on priests, rightfully: the abuse and the cover-up were despicable. In many cases, James says, nobody wants to ruin the family image. It creates a perpetual anxiety for the survivor which is hard to put to rest.” “It’s hard for the survivor, for the other siblings, for the extended family. James’s case highlights some stark facts that are not always understood about child abuse. Most abuse is carried out by family members or people known to the victim. Our current image of child sex abusers in Ireland, and our approach to them, may be putting young people at risk. If we are to keep children safe we may have to gain a new understanding of the problem and make some unpalatable changes to the way we deal with it. Sophie was four when her stepfather, Gerard, started to sexually abuse her. “I remember Gerard always wore these cowboy boots, and my little heart would beat faster when I’d hear him coming down to my room,” she says.
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“I’d hope and pray that he wouldn’t come in and pull the blankets back. He also sexually abused my half-sister, his own biological child.” He controlled my every move and everything my mum did. There was further abuse in Sophie’s family. Her biological father was taken away when she was three because he had sexually abused another sister, Rose, although he never harmed Sophie.
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Sophie’s mother, herself a victim of abuse, had proven incapable of protecting her children. Now in her early 30s, Sophie spent years in therapy, earned a PhD in counselling psychology and went on to work with other survivors of abuse. Today Sophie has a difficult message about how we deal with child abuse. Few would disagree with some of her advice.